家庭教育--〉习惯--〉性格

要认识一个人，就先认识他家人的性格。一个人的性格会万万全全的显示出他父母亲。

就拿我做例子好了，

我老妈向来说话大呼小叫，诬赖别人，含血喷人及以直接“射”别人的性格不幸的我被传染到，而且青出于蓝生于蓝，我变得更加的严重，甚至我不时把我的情绪投掷在我身旁的朋友尤其是那些对我特别好，特别疼我的朋友。无奈的，我每每喷血后才万分的后悔，可是祸从口出，我真的得和被我伤害的人说声对不起。

老妈的洁癖，很幸运的，当我长越大时，我对一些朋友的不良嗜好（不整理房间，肮脏等等。。。）十分的抗拒，甚至是鄙视他们。当然，我也对我妹的超级肮脏的性格悲愤交织，实在是看不下。

说到我妹，她是我全家人的代表作。应该说，除了我与我妈，她=我爸=我哥，实在是太太肮脏到连起床时不折床，杯喝了可以搁在一旁等别人收。*别人就是我妈=家佣人。 我很早前就每天大喊加威胁性的责骂她，希望会有奇迹的那一天，可是我绝望了。

应该说，一对父母亲如何教育他们的孩子，

教育制度--〉习惯--〉性格

瞧！其实，这三样都是息息相关，而且这只有两个很偏激的个性，好与不好。

由于我母亲太宠我小妹，所以导致她很依赖别人为她办事，连基本的喝水，吃饭，洗鞋，就一些很基本的动作，她不曾做过，而当你要她做时，需要如请求神明显灵般的难，不但会伤到自己的元气而且还有可能导致一个人心脏病爆发或使某人陷入半身不遂状态。能想像那是多么恐怖的事吗？我猜，应该很少人会经历这样的经验，毕竟没人能和我一样，洁癖！她的那种懒散，不着急的性格开始在她现年龄慢慢的，逐渐的变得更糟糕！犹记得，有次妈妈去了旅行。我当然不会帮我妹妹洗内衣裤，吩咐她自己洗时，她给了我一个差点把我冲前墙自杀算了的大答案。她言：

“你放住，不要把我的沾到水，我等多两三件才洗！”

天啊，一天才穿那么两件内裤，再多等机件此不是多等几天？？？那个从内裤生出菌了，蘑菇的画面霎那间浮现在我脑海里，我的天！！！！

还有一日，她伸手摸床旁的墙壁，突然大笑起来对我说，：

“哎呀，我以为是粒粒的墙壁（我家墙壁都采用了一点一点五颜六色的斑点在白白的后景突现，呈现出凹凸不平的墙壁）。结果，原来是我的硬掉的鼻屎！哈哈哈。。。。”

我妹竟然为了贪方便，懒惰拿卫生纸就直接把壁屎一坨又一陀的粘在墙壁，真的快晕。我记得，我的睡意顿时不见，大喊！！！
                                                             天啊~~~~~~~~~~

我不晓得，她那肮脏的性格是否影响她未来的路，别人对她的看法， 甚至是那邋遢的性格会掠夺她的生命与否。

可是，我明白的知道，我不能忍受三种习惯，

不整洁！肮脏！邋遢

我身旁偏偏就有人这样， 严重的是当你好心劝告时，他们却为他们那缺点而自豪，我的心就如从山顶掉入了悬崖。 我曾几次的深信，我能改变别人，能能能！可是，我再三的劝旁人朋友时或则是我妹时，他们从不觉得那缺点没我想像的严重，他们都拍拍屁股走了。。无奈

一对父母亲如何教育还是个关键！而，能舍弃你陪伴你的习惯抑或培养新的习惯真的那么难？

我不知，只晓得。。。

习惯，很恐怖！

这又让我想起，有个友人也是和妹妹很相似。他每每去游泳后把泳裤放在书包里直到下一次去游泳时再取出。当我无意中发现那外表斯斯文文的有人竟然有这样的行为后，我大跌眼镜！！！

我想，我真的还是无法接受别人的三大缺点。

要么，就我离这些人远去，要么你就为了我培养吧！我选择前者，因我不想再成为第二个家中佣人，不想要再有朋友如我爸爸，哥哥及妹妹这样恐怖的性格，而且我凭什么要别人为了我而改变啊？？

我想，到我的生命来到尾声时，我依然是一个人，可是会是那样干净，整洁的我，何乐不为？

星期日

带着愤怒的心情，跑步去。

5点半的太阳原本被朵朵的云遮盖着，

哪知越跑越热，

心一直在数着

1。。2。。3。。4。。5。。6。。7。。

停了下来，为啥？ 

鞋带松了，停着把它给拉着更紧，来，再继续

1。。2。。3。。4。。5

越冲越痛，是啥痛？脚板？

跑到学校去，很累。。停了下来。。

和自己说，不能这样走回去。

用跑的， 跑。5分钟多到了停车场，跳跳一下

“佩霓，要坚持！！”

   “我很累，不想跑！”

两个声音在互相斗着

决定了。回家吧。

回家？？？

哎~~我讨厌每一个星期日。

嫉妒！愤怒！！

心充满着嫉妒和不甘。

嫉妒着为何他们男人可以自由自在的去游泳而我却无法跟随。（汉有约，可是这不是我要的）

我难道不能自己去？

不懂为什么我的心就是充满着嫉妒。

不甘。

我知道一向以来，我都带给他们麻烦。我多么想摆脱这种----不甘 的心情

可我办不到。

很贱，真的很龌龊。

如何去改变呢？

我不晓得。

上帝也许听得见我的呐喊，我那力竭声嘶的呐喊。

不公平。

我知道。

我的环境，一切都不公平。。

*真的不知今天的我突然被莫名的有忧郁感笼罩着。真的不懂。。。。*

She has toothache.

She has toothache. Early in the morning, when I woke up, she wasn't at home. Then, around 11am when the Buffalo aunty came only I realized she had the toothache. Since last week, when she scolded me for being rude to dad and we haven't been spoken for more than a week. She isn't happy because I am with him and yet she didn't tell me anything,  her feeling her everything. She just told others about me, as though as backstabbing me.
She has toothache. She has eaten the pill yet, the pain is excruciating and second brother is blaming me for not with her. What the XXXX, where are you huh? Sleeping and yet you blaming for others?Everyday your lifestyle is rotting and yet you are pointing your fingers to me huh?!It is saddening that I have to pretend not to care for my mama just like my aunty. She sms me asked me to check if her eldest daughter is selected for the PLKN and I told her when Bipo didn't get chosen, she said,'I don't care for her, I care for my younger daughter!' What the hell!! When she behaved like that, it made me think of her!! She has never asked me to sit together and eat, she has never filled me the soup, she has never this never that. Ya, I am grumbling, so?!
She has toothache. Now, my second brother (whom I dislike) has fetched her to see the dentist again. Hopefully, Holly Spirit, please take care of her, please let her pain to be ebb away, I don't want to see her shedding her tears, but laying there distraught. Holly Spirit, I know in her heart, I am the rebellious daughter whom she doesn't like me much, love me more, fond of me little.. But, please, I pray hard so that you listen to my prayer and answer my prayer.
I do really wish she will be fine later...Amen

She is my mom

She is my mom. But, she has never asked me to dine out.She has never helped me to fill my bowl with soup. Is she my mom? We have been in a ice-war since that night, that night she told me I was rude to my dad but she should have known that I used to talk to him in that way. I don't like him, I try to love him but yet I can't cross my heart to like him at all because of his attitudes. 

God, I don't pray to love him, I know I am so bad, really bad....

Tell me what to do?

She just don't like me since I was young. I know that, I do really know that even how hard I want to be a filial piety daughter.

:(

Exam Released

0000, I checked into the Smpweb and checked my result. Good,all B and B-...heart dropped.What happened?????????I read, I studied, I put effort and yet the result is like a SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why like that? Why can't let me to obtain a good result? How about my two more years? I know I am not the type who study, I really don't know how.....1 months have passed and 2 more months are coming then, I shall go to 3rd year with the shameful face. I know, I know very clearly, I ain't the bahan membaca buku..I just don't know how? Be diligent, ya, I did..God, please listen to my prayer, I do really need you.  I thought I did really put effort on it...

How?How am I supposed to do in my future?? I am afraid, really scared...Jesus, sometime, what can I do more???

:( :(

Bad day

My cute, Sexy Mama

I usually say Mama said No this No that, people will say I grumble. But instead, I love my mom very much, very much. She has these qualities that I never inherited for my life.

1.As I have a father who muttering, complaining and repeating, scolding every single day, my mom has her ears ON everyday, listening to him repeating,shouting at her..then she said, you know what is 忍气吞声？ Mom, you are so great that you can endure for so many years.

2. She cooks every single day and do housechores twice a day, from the day she got married, she is being do all the chores till now, 20+ years. See, my mom is so awesome!!!

3. My mom can run, can dance, can cook very well. I don't think everyone in this world can have so many roles. She is just like a cute, young, charm lady. 

I am blessed that I have a wonderful mama, I promised to myself before, I am not going to marry and I will take care of her forever...Holly Spirit, please let me to keep the heart, the heart of gratitude forever...

5 precious sentences from mama to me

I think I can conclude those sentences every time mama shouts at me.
1. 没有用！！
2. 跑跑跑，跑什么跑？你跑步能赚钱啊？读书赚钱才是！
3. whenever I say, I want to be more diligent and run with the guys, train my first LSD, she will say, who you think you are huh!?
4. 你的脸那么难看？还比我这个“老扎伯”更难看！搽搽搽~~~每天浪费钱，有效么？(mama,I also wish that I am pretty but I can't control my own face such as my body, you criticize my body, my big thigh, my big buttock.  I tried and tried not to eat, eat pills, vomit all the food I have eaten, yet I am born to be like that, I can't just be like you)
5.做么那么粗鲁？什么都给你弄坏！(mama, I am born to be stupid, a little bit of slow and rough. I can't control, sometimes, I broke the cup so suddenly, not even 30seconds, I broke the "rak of sidai baju". I apologized.

Ya, I guess, since young, I have been listening these words and they are growing stronger in my heart. How I fight back, in the end, I still ended up to walk with my head down, looking at the floor, scare to meet people eyes.They might say I am fake, not genuine but seriously, every time I want to go out, I think a lot and a lot. Every time I look at myself in front of the mirror, I back off. Ya, I saw some ugly girl, the look mixes with guy features, so ugly so ugly.....

A night....

It has been ages I didn't step up from my house and enjoy myself rather than running and hiking. Yesterday, the cute guys asked me for movie. Well,  I was astonished as  I didn't know they are fooling me or serious "dated" me. I thought of Sizen's party but ended up, I was the blur one, mistaken her party which supposed to be tomorrow. So, after thinking and thinking, Ok,  fine..I go with them. Luckily, mama didn't say anything. I hope she will say anything in future too.Such as bad daughter right?haha.

I dressed up and sms him to check if he stood me up, luckily he didn't. When I was in the car, I realized many facts behind of the story. First, Ken isn't going to get marry (but who cares?I don't care either) . Second, the guys are really train so hard, so hard that I can't believe that. I was ashamed as  I did not train at all,sometimes,  I did have to thank God, seriously thank God for giving me the OK timing in marathon. My timing wasn't good but at least I ran happily and no so much suffers. 

Back to topics, then we reached there and I tried to dig his story. I wasn't sure if he was telling me the truth or not,but my instinct told me he wasn't. I know, guys cheated a lot!! I went to Ipod service center to have my Ipod fixed, hopefully it can be fixed then went into the cinema.The cinema was really cute and funny, the chubby Panda didn't feel shy of his big tummy and I shall learn from him too. The eyes of the panda, ya, the cute eyes, and the story ended with the good guy bet down the bad guy. In reality, is it happened? I don't think so.

When I found out they are training like hell, I do really not happy with myself. I want to train too...And I expressed my feeling immediately to mama whom peeping from the stairs and she scolded me, who you think you are?guy a? Somemore the guy fetched me asked me in the car, what for you want to have good result?

Why can't I? Guys can do, I can do so! I just need proper training and diligent, that's right???Who said  I can't???

So, Holly Spirit, I need you to be my side, support me and pull me up. Please...Gotta to sleep, please let me wake up on tomorrow...Please.

I need spirit, need energy, need determination, need everything...Good night PeiNi.

A good Friday

3rd June 2011:
Last night, I told myself, prayed and set the alarm so that I could wake up at 630am. Ya, Holly Spirit heard my prayer and he woke me up sharp on 630am. But the laziness conquered me eventually.
I don't understand why I can't fight back when my mama says No this No that. I have easy thoughts,
1. increase my mileage
2. run better results.
Isn't it is a simple thing?Ya, but whenever I bring up my idea, my mama has the look and says, who you think you are? Can't you just run for fun? Don't you know the world out there is not safe? You try to run and see! Why you such a "kiasu" girl? Why you want to compete with the guys? Why Why Why and plus the look down look. Ok, fine I shut my mouth off. Perhaps her over suspicious on everything has slowly affected my thought. I realized that I am becoming coward, withdrawing myself. Often, I have a thought, what if I would have staying at KL and I can run with the gang, don't you think it is much more better than here? Banting does have a lot of places to run, quiet, flat road but all of these roads are Malay kampungs. I did survey before and all the Mat Sikal and the Malay's looks when they look at Chinese which I experienced before. Today, I read the newspaper, there was a saying when we meet obstacles, we start to step backwards. I guess, it is very true and this happens to me from young till now. 
They said, I am still young and have a lot of time in future, if I can't run, train now I still have a lot of time. But do you know, the greediness in my heart? Should I call myself greedy or I just want to do better in my running. Is this called greedy or Chinese saying, 不自量力? I don't know, what I know myself, I can do better and better. I read through the Michele Tan's blog and found out that she is much more ambitious and she does what she says but I'm here, talking bullshit.
Mom, sometimes, I do really wish I can go everywhere I want, I wish I can drive to KL and meet the friends, but I know you will be right there and stopping me. I know you are protecting me from harm but I also know I can take care of myself. Due to the restriction, I know there are many things that I can't do. I can't help it but I just need to wait the time to grow up and when I am old enough to spread my wings and fly.I don't dare to walk a step forward, I remain here, linger on my circle, don't have the courage to even "senget" a bit. 
HollySpirit, I look to you, please...

sundown

27th of May 2011:
The day before the race, I was really so terrified, not because of the race but I was thinking of going alone, taking flight alone to Singapore, find the way to meet Wengwoo they all. The whole idea made me freaking out. I didn't even pack till the night, I realized that if  I hadn't packed, I would have messed up on the next day. Packed with worries, finally I slept......
Early in the morning, around 915am, farewell with mama and gogo fetched me to the airport and taught me the method to check in. Phew, luckily I have a wonderful, patient gogo, though he behaves as though as daddy he is better than daddy in speaking. Saying bye bye to him as well, I waited, waited....I was hoping that Ken will show up so that I was not alone. But another side of my heart, I wished he hadn't showed up. Yes, he didn't show up finally. There were some of the runners had the same flight with me, but I just ignored them, didn't even say hey to them..Who cares?hahahaha
FLYing------>SIngapore..
Upon reaching there, I had no idea what to do, followed my instinct and took MRT,sms with Wengwoo, he showed me the direction. After some time, finally I got them. Went to Athlete Sport shop to take the race pack and went to the small, tiny ABeary Good Hotel. I was so shocked, ya! Gogo, you had your words correct. The hostel in Singapore is really TINY.....
Makan-->laughed--> went to Marina Bay-->Makan--> Tidur.....

28th May 2011:
I woke up quite early and had my free breakfast and waited and waited.......makan again, a Korean rice,I didn't know what was that but not bad....then we went to Orchard Road ate the roadside ice-cream..So sedap leh...
Waited for Wengwoo's friend, only left 45mins, we shopped a while and rushed to the MRT and back...
Mandi, rest, prepared and rock to 42km~~~took MRT again, waited for the shuttle bus, laughed in the bus yet stucked in the traffic. I saw many runners ran. This was my first rime I saw people ran. There were so many patterns of running, so cute and I wondered how I ran,perhaps I run as though as mama said, like an elephant.Hahaha.I felt like so happy to be with the gang. But, there was only the bad thing I dislike it, which is everyone asked me whether I am the student or working now.I do really hate it, I am a student OK???
Eventually, we reached the exhibition. Waited again, stretched and took many photos and stood in thousands of people.My mind was in blank, suddenly the scary thinking flooded my mind, I scared if I couldn't finish in good time,  I scared if I had stomachache during the race?LFS guided me and others to go nearer to the starting point and it was great to stand nearer to the starting point.
3....2....1!!bomb! RUN.............LSF paced with me, actually I was not glad with him but I remained my pace and forgot about the distraction. I wasn't sweat at all  and I think I was running with very easy pace. There was an uncle opening the loud speaker with the old songs, kinda funny! Moreover, there were many young guys listening to their music with earphones but they opened so loud. Around 18km, LFS left me (after that he told me he lausai) and before that, about 16km, I went to toilet. I couldn't endure anymore.I ran, my mind was blank and I was praying so hard, hoping that Holly Spirit can listen to my prayers. Seeing the distance marks from 20km-21km-22km, my leg was getting lazier, I realized that. I remember there were  volunteers  gave me tit-bit. The last 12km was really hard for mentality. The road was exactly the same of the starting point. It was so lone, all the guys only and there was no lady, I passed by some guys and there was a 18years old guy paced with me. However, he didn't follow after some time, I think because of the soreness. I stopped a while, my mentality was getting weaker. 38km,  I prayed hard, 4km left, please, I watched my watch, couldn't know what was the exact time. 39km, I stopped to stretch a bit, there was a guy handled me a counterpain.Phew,  he was the angel!!! I applied all and had the energy to run.I cut him, cut some guys as well and last 2 km was totally dark. I told myself I needed to speed. Gosh, a lady cut me but I saw the finishing line after the turn, it was 500m (I guess so) and I sped UP! The DJ announced my name, my heart bumped and the clock hung showed 4:18....FUYOH!!!
Waited for others till the next day, we chatted and took photos...
Packed and say bye bye to them.
Actually, I wasn't so focus for my marathon but I was happy with the entire trip. I met some new friends who really cared for me. I felt so blessed, without any training, without any of my pace yet I managed well. Thank you Holly Spirit, thank you everything......

frustrated

He is just went out and bought himself a Kuey Teow..Jesus, why he behaves like that???Why? It is 11pm now and yet he is eating the supper and tomorrow or later on, he is swallowing more than 5 pills to control his cholesterol, kencing manis and etc??? Are him committing suicide now? I am so fumed to see him behaves like that, even now I am in my bedroom yet I can hear to the touching of chopsticks and the plate sound, kling kling klang klang....WHy?I really don't understand, why can't the old man just loves himself more???I am really so angry but I can't find anyone, Jesus,please, please use the hand of Father to cure my dad. He is a great dad, but he has so many flaws till I dislike him, I ain't hate him but I dislike him. I don't know why he has so many flaws, can you please just heal him?????
I am getting isolated myself from others, I FFK 4 people, lied to people just to cover my unwilling going after promising people. I am scared, terrified even feel horror just now while I was decided to go to Cheng Yong's open house party. I used foundation to cover the scars on my face, but they just can't be covered. I looked so ugly, seriously ugly. Then, I took off my contact lens, sms to Chili telling him that I have period. Actually, I wasn't . I just didn't want to go..Yesterday,I lied to LaiFS just because I was freaking out when thinking of taking bus alone to KL, stay overnight at his home, and hike. Supposedly, I should be situated at Humour's wedding dinner now after the hiking. BUT I changed my mind yesterday after dithering for so long in the morning and cheated him that my grandpa had sprained his ankles. Who the hell knowing what is happening to my grandpa now? I don't care of him at all...BUT I CHEATED!!!! This morning, I supposedly to go with Yee How to Putrajaya to swim and I cheated him that my leg was pain. In fact,  I just couldnt wake up, I was so tired even I woke up at 10am... I don't know why I am still behave like this, lying around, I am so sorry...I just really scared whenever I am naked. I see the cellulite, the scars, the hairs on my legs, my fat tyres around, a very, broad waistline, and I am really terrified.  I see even more closer to my mirror, there are numberless of pores on my nose, so many big beads, pimples, uncured big pores, I just wonder whY???????I am been using all the products, my face really should have a laser, my big nose..why I am born to be like that:? My leg is so O, so ugly..I just can't see the beauty of myself....
I don't know what happened to me, I know I must changed. But why?WHY?WHY??????
I should have gone to the psychologist, I am always FFK for the last minute just because I don't know what to wear....
and I really don't like my dad. WHy he spits all the times? Why he is like a sot person, scolding my sister? The face he scolded her just now was like the wolf, a palia person.. Every time he eats, he is using the hands and eat like he hasn't been eating for many days, it is so no cultured, as though a animal is tearing the meets. Then, he spends money on stupid medicine, what the hell !!!After eating, he lays down, he creates his own disease for himself, and buys medicine somemore? STUPID!!!!!I told him no to buy the stupid collagen yet, he bought just because his son told him to eat the stupid collagen. So, a pre-lawyer is much more better, his words is more trust-able than a pre-food scientist isn't huh???!!!Stupid...He thinks who is him????Ok fine, how can I just close my eyes and act like nothing happens har???He is my father OK?Why can't just the stupid man listen to me? He has been claiming himself is doctor from Cambridge and scolding people stupid, idiot non stop, and keep on repeating...but he is the one who is the most stupid person in the world. I am sorry and I know I have so much of sins to call my own daddy that way. But, I really can't endure anymore.My roomate used to tell me to pray for Holly Spirit, I prayed. I know I can't change him but Holly Spirit, did you listen to my prayers?
I know myself is being so rude to him,impolite to him, especially him,blaming my mother due to the fact that my mom doesn't teach my siblings to do housechores and only I am the girl who is doing. Ok, I accept it that this is the fact.I have to do because I am not finding any job so far. But, just why? Why can't my brothers and sister just do a simple housechores and my mama is so lembap that she has been doing all the things for them, washing their clothes...and she said that, my dad gives her money and so she does all the housechores. WHAT?You are not the slave, maid to a house, a home OK?!!Why can't you just use force to teach? See!!How dirty is my sister, white shoes not being washed for 1 month, after wake up cannot fold the bedsheet, the dirty tissues all around.. I just don't know why? Why you mind is so kolot??? Why others fathers can help their wives and only my family CAN'T????
My mom keeps saying that "it is for your own good" to forbid me drive to far places, go with uncles to run, etc....I am getting older you know??? She said, you are so beautiful and now the world is so dangerous and later people rape you blar blar blar.....Ok OK, I get it and I don't go out ? Is it OK? And now, I am drifted apart from others....
I know, I shouldn't be grumble and grumble. I think I just hope the most important thing that my dad changes!His behaviors made so many people don't like him....Holly Spirit, please....please listen to me..
Amen.