How?How am I supposed to do in my future?? I am afraid, really scared...Jesus, sometime, what can I do more???
:( :(
Bad day
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
Exam Released
0000, I checked into the Smpweb and checked my result. Good,all B and B-...heart dropped.What happened?????????I read, I studied, I put effort and yet the result is like a SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why like that? Why can't let me to obtain a good result? How about my two more years? I know I am not the type who study, I really don't know how.....1 months have passed and 2 more months are coming then, I shall go to 3rd year with the shameful face. I know, I know very clearly, I ain't the bahan membaca buku..I just don't know how? Be diligent, ya, I did..God, please listen to my prayer, I do really need you. I thought I did really put effort on it...
Saturday, 4 June 2011
My cute, Sexy Mama
I usually say Mama said No this No that, people will say I grumble. But instead, I love my mom very much, very much. She has these qualities that I never inherited for my life.
1.As I have a father who muttering, complaining and repeating, scolding every single day, my mom has her ears ON everyday, listening to him repeating,shouting at her..then she said, you know what is 忍气吞声？ Mom, you are so great that you can endure for so many years.
2. She cooks every single day and do housechores twice a day, from the day she got married, she is being do all the chores till now, 20+ years. See, my mom is so awesome!!!
3. My mom can run, can dance, can cook very well. I don't think everyone in this world can have so many roles. She is just like a cute, young, charm lady.
I am blessed that I have a wonderful mama, I promised to myself before, I am not going to marry and I will take care of her forever...Holly Spirit, please let me to keep the heart, the heart of gratitude forever...
5 precious sentences from mama to me
I think I can conclude those sentences every time mama shouts at me.
1. 没有用！！
2. 跑跑跑，跑什么跑？你跑步能赚钱啊？读书赚钱才是！
3. whenever I say, I want to be more diligent and run with the guys, train my first LSD, she will say, who you think you are huh!?
4. 你的脸那么难看？还比我这个“老扎伯”更难看！搽搽搽~~~每天浪费钱，有效么？(mama,I also wish that I am pretty but I can't control my own face such as my body, you criticize my body, my big thigh, my big buttock. I tried and tried not to eat, eat pills, vomit all the food I have eaten, yet I am born to be like that, I can't just be like you)
5.做么那么粗鲁？什么都给你弄坏！(mama, I am born to be stupid, a little bit of slow and rough. I can't control, sometimes, I broke the cup so suddenly, not even 30seconds, I broke the "rak of sidai baju". I apologized.
Ya, I guess, since young, I have been listening these words and they are growing stronger in my heart. How I fight back, in the end, I still ended up to walk with my head down, looking at the floor, scare to meet people eyes.They might say I am fake, not genuine but seriously, every time I want to go out, I think a lot and a lot. Every time I look at myself in front of the mirror, I back off. Ya, I saw some ugly girl, the look mixes with guy features, so ugly so ugly.....
1. 没有用！！
2. 跑跑跑，跑什么跑？你跑步能赚钱啊？读书赚钱才是！
3. whenever I say, I want to be more diligent and run with the guys, train my first LSD, she will say, who you think you are huh!?
4. 你的脸那么难看？还比我这个“老扎伯”更难看！搽搽搽~~~每天浪费钱，有效么？(mama,I also wish that I am pretty but I can't control my own face such as my body, you criticize my body, my big thigh, my big buttock. I tried and tried not to eat, eat pills, vomit all the food I have eaten, yet I am born to be like that, I can't just be like you)
5.做么那么粗鲁？什么都给你弄坏！(mama, I am born to be stupid, a little bit of slow and rough. I can't control, sometimes, I broke the cup so suddenly, not even 30seconds, I broke the "rak of sidai baju". I apologized.
Ya, I guess, since young, I have been listening these words and they are growing stronger in my heart. How I fight back, in the end, I still ended up to walk with my head down, looking at the floor, scare to meet people eyes.They might say I am fake, not genuine but seriously, every time I want to go out, I think a lot and a lot. Every time I look at myself in front of the mirror, I back off. Ya, I saw some ugly girl, the look mixes with guy features, so ugly so ugly.....
A night....
It has been ages I didn't step up from my house and enjoy myself rather than running and hiking. Yesterday, the cute guys asked me for movie. Well, I was astonished as I didn't know they are fooling me or serious "dated" me. I thought of Sizen's party but ended up, I was the blur one, mistaken her party which supposed to be tomorrow. So, after thinking and thinking, Ok, fine..I go with them. Luckily, mama didn't say anything. I hope she will say anything in future too.Such as bad daughter right?haha.
I dressed up and sms him to check if he stood me up, luckily he didn't. When I was in the car, I realized many facts behind of the story. First, Ken isn't going to get marry (but who cares?I don't care either) . Second, the guys are really train so hard, so hard that I can't believe that. I was ashamed as I did not train at all,sometimes, I did have to thank God, seriously thank God for giving me the OK timing in marathon. My timing wasn't good but at least I ran happily and no so much suffers.
Back to topics, then we reached there and I tried to dig his story. I wasn't sure if he was telling me the truth or not,but my instinct told me he wasn't. I know, guys cheated a lot!! I went to Ipod service center to have my Ipod fixed, hopefully it can be fixed then went into the cinema.The cinema was really cute and funny, the chubby Panda didn't feel shy of his big tummy and I shall learn from him too. The eyes of the panda, ya, the cute eyes, and the story ended with the good guy bet down the bad guy. In reality, is it happened? I don't think so.
When I found out they are training like hell, I do really not happy with myself. I want to train too...And I expressed my feeling immediately to mama whom peeping from the stairs and she scolded me, who you think you are?guy a? Somemore the guy fetched me asked me in the car, what for you want to have good result?
Why can't I? Guys can do, I can do so! I just need proper training and diligent, that's right???Who said I can't???
So, Holly Spirit, I need you to be my side, support me and pull me up. Please...Gotta to sleep, please let me wake up on tomorrow...Please.
I need spirit, need energy, need determination, need everything...Good night PeiNi.
Friday, 3 June 2011
A good Friday
3rd June 2011:
Last night, I told myself, prayed and set the alarm so that I could wake up at 630am. Ya, Holly Spirit heard my prayer and he woke me up sharp on 630am. But the laziness conquered me eventually.
I don't understand why I can't fight back when my mama says No this No that. I have easy thoughts,
1. increase my mileage
2. run better results.
Isn't it is a simple thing?Ya, but whenever I bring up my idea, my mama has the look and says, who you think you are? Can't you just run for fun? Don't you know the world out there is not safe? You try to run and see! Why you such a "kiasu" girl? Why you want to compete with the guys? Why Why Why and plus the look down look. Ok, fine I shut my mouth off. Perhaps her over suspicious on everything has slowly affected my thought. I realized that I am becoming coward, withdrawing myself. Often, I have a thought, what if I would have staying at KL and I can run with the gang, don't you think it is much more better than here? Banting does have a lot of places to run, quiet, flat road but all of these roads are Malay kampungs. I did survey before and all the Mat Sikal and the Malay's looks when they look at Chinese which I experienced before. Today, I read the newspaper, there was a saying when we meet obstacles, we start to step backwards. I guess, it is very true and this happens to me from young till now.
They said, I am still young and have a lot of time in future, if I can't run, train now I still have a lot of time. But do you know, the greediness in my heart? Should I call myself greedy or I just want to do better in my running. Is this called greedy or Chinese saying, 不自量力? I don't know, what I know myself, I can do better and better. I read through the Michele Tan's blog and found out that she is much more ambitious and she does what she says but I'm here, talking bullshit.
Mom, sometimes, I do really wish I can go everywhere I want, I wish I can drive to KL and meet the friends, but I know you will be right there and stopping me. I know you are protecting me from harm but I also know I can take care of myself. Due to the restriction, I know there are many things that I can't do. I can't help it but I just need to wait the time to grow up and when I am old enough to spread my wings and fly.I don't dare to walk a step forward, I remain here, linger on my circle, don't have the courage to even "senget" a bit.
HollySpirit, I look to you, please...
Last night, I told myself, prayed and set the alarm so that I could wake up at 630am. Ya, Holly Spirit heard my prayer and he woke me up sharp on 630am. But the laziness conquered me eventually.
I don't understand why I can't fight back when my mama says No this No that. I have easy thoughts,
1. increase my mileage
2. run better results.
Isn't it is a simple thing?Ya, but whenever I bring up my idea, my mama has the look and says, who you think you are? Can't you just run for fun? Don't you know the world out there is not safe? You try to run and see! Why you such a "kiasu" girl? Why you want to compete with the guys? Why Why Why and plus the look down look. Ok, fine I shut my mouth off. Perhaps her over suspicious on everything has slowly affected my thought. I realized that I am becoming coward, withdrawing myself. Often, I have a thought, what if I would have staying at KL and I can run with the gang, don't you think it is much more better than here? Banting does have a lot of places to run, quiet, flat road but all of these roads are Malay kampungs. I did survey before and all the Mat Sikal and the Malay's looks when they look at Chinese which I experienced before. Today, I read the newspaper, there was a saying when we meet obstacles, we start to step backwards. I guess, it is very true and this happens to me from young till now.
They said, I am still young and have a lot of time in future, if I can't run, train now I still have a lot of time. But do you know, the greediness in my heart? Should I call myself greedy or I just want to do better in my running. Is this called greedy or Chinese saying, 不自量力? I don't know, what I know myself, I can do better and better. I read through the Michele Tan's blog and found out that she is much more ambitious and she does what she says but I'm here, talking bullshit.
Mom, sometimes, I do really wish I can go everywhere I want, I wish I can drive to KL and meet the friends, but I know you will be right there and stopping me. I know you are protecting me from harm but I also know I can take care of myself. Due to the restriction, I know there are many things that I can't do. I can't help it but I just need to wait the time to grow up and when I am old enough to spread my wings and fly.I don't dare to walk a step forward, I remain here, linger on my circle, don't have the courage to even "senget" a bit.
HollySpirit, I look to you, please...
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