frustrated

He is just went out and bought himself a Kuey Teow..Jesus, why he behaves like that???Why? It is 11pm now and yet he is eating the supper and tomorrow or later on, he is swallowing more than 5 pills to control his cholesterol, kencing manis and etc??? Are him committing suicide now? I am so fumed to see him behaves like that, even now I am in my bedroom yet I can hear to the touching of chopsticks and the plate sound, kling kling klang klang....WHy?I really don't understand, why can't the old man just loves himself more???I am really so angry but I can't find anyone, Jesus,please, please use the hand of Father to cure my dad. He is a great dad, but he has so many flaws till I dislike him, I ain't hate him but I dislike him. I don't know why he has so many flaws, can you please just heal him?????
I am getting isolated myself from others, I FFK 4 people, lied to people just to cover my unwilling going after promising people. I am scared, terrified even feel horror just now while I was decided to go to Cheng Yong's open house party. I used foundation to cover the scars on my face, but they just can't be covered. I looked so ugly, seriously ugly. Then, I took off my contact lens, sms to Chili telling him that I have period. Actually, I wasn't . I just didn't want to go..Yesterday,I lied to LaiFS just because I was freaking out when thinking of taking bus alone to KL, stay overnight at his home, and hike. Supposedly, I should be situated at Humour's wedding dinner now after the hiking. BUT I changed my mind yesterday after dithering for so long in the morning and cheated him that my grandpa had sprained his ankles. Who the hell knowing what is happening to my grandpa now? I don't care of him at all...BUT I CHEATED!!!! This morning, I supposedly to go with Yee How to Putrajaya to swim and I cheated him that my leg was pain. In fact,  I just couldnt wake up, I was so tired even I woke up at 10am... I don't know why I am still behave like this, lying around, I am so sorry...I just really scared whenever I am naked. I see the cellulite, the scars, the hairs on my legs, my fat tyres around, a very, broad waistline, and I am really terrified.  I see even more closer to my mirror, there are numberless of pores on my nose, so many big beads, pimples, uncured big pores, I just wonder whY???????I am been using all the products, my face really should have a laser, my big nose..why I am born to be like that:? My leg is so O, so ugly..I just can't see the beauty of myself....
I don't know what happened to me, I know I must changed. But why?WHY?WHY??????
I should have gone to the psychologist, I am always FFK for the last minute just because I don't know what to wear....
and I really don't like my dad. WHy he spits all the times? Why he is like a sot person, scolding my sister? The face he scolded her just now was like the wolf, a palia person.. Every time he eats, he is using the hands and eat like he hasn't been eating for many days, it is so no cultured, as though a animal is tearing the meets. Then, he spends money on stupid medicine, what the hell !!!After eating, he lays down, he creates his own disease for himself, and buys medicine somemore? STUPID!!!!!I told him no to buy the stupid collagen yet, he bought just because his son told him to eat the stupid collagen. So, a pre-lawyer is much more better, his words is more trust-able than a pre-food scientist isn't huh???!!!Stupid...He thinks who is him????Ok fine, how can I just close my eyes and act like nothing happens har???He is my father OK?Why can't just the stupid man listen to me? He has been claiming himself is doctor from Cambridge and scolding people stupid, idiot non stop, and keep on repeating...but he is the one who is the most stupid person in the world. I am sorry and I know I have so much of sins to call my own daddy that way. But, I really can't endure anymore.My roomate used to tell me to pray for Holly Spirit, I prayed. I know I can't change him but Holly Spirit, did you listen to my prayers?
I know myself is being so rude to him,impolite to him, especially him,blaming my mother due to the fact that my mom doesn't teach my siblings to do housechores and only I am the girl who is doing. Ok, I accept it that this is the fact.I have to do because I am not finding any job so far. But, just why? Why can't my brothers and sister just do a simple housechores and my mama is so lembap that she has been doing all the things for them, washing their clothes...and she said that, my dad gives her money and so she does all the housechores. WHAT?You are not the slave, maid to a house, a home OK?!!Why can't you just use force to teach? See!!How dirty is my sister, white shoes not being washed for 1 month, after wake up cannot fold the bedsheet, the dirty tissues all around.. I just don't know why? Why you mind is so kolot??? Why others fathers can help their wives and only my family CAN'T????
My mom keeps saying that "it is for your own good" to forbid me drive to far places, go with uncles to run, etc....I am getting older you know??? She said, you are so beautiful and now the world is so dangerous and later people rape you blar blar blar.....Ok OK, I get it and I don't go out ? Is it OK? And now, I am drifted apart from others....
I know, I shouldn't be grumble and grumble. I think I just hope the most important thing that my dad changes!His behaviors made so many people don't like him....Holly Spirit, please....please listen to me..
Amen.